I seem to have slipped into another bit of a funk where I'm mostly unhappy with myself regarding an overwhelming number of things. If I was just unhappy over this or that, I could make an effort to do better at this or that, and at least move forward with amending the situation. But I'm unhappy with so many things, I don't even know where to begin, and the problem is snowballing.
Money - a major stressor, it seems we're getting hit with all kinds of abnormal expenses all at once. I knew getting the new car was going to be pushing against our capabilities a little bit, but now it's going to come right down to the wire on the very first car payment. But hey, once that one's down, there'll only be 59 more to go! Yeesh.
Job - driving me nuts. Communication level is terrible, I don't know what's going on or what's expected of me. To compound matters, I have not been my usual self this year, and especially in the last few weeks. Normally I knock stuff out at a pretty good pace and it's done pretty well. Lately, I'm just feeling stuck in the mud, I can't focus. I haven't been getting much work done, and what I have gotten done, I've had to go back and rework because I'm not doing it very well. This is terrifying to me and I'm constantly flogging myself over it, but I can't seem to break out of this funk.
Sleeping - this is a major factor in my stress load and is contributing to my work problems. Since my baby girl was born, I've been chronically fatigued. Getting four hours of sleep one night here or there is no problem. But when that's my average amount of nightly sleep over a months-long course of time, I just can't function like my normal self.
Personal space - my office is trashed. I know I would feel so much better about myself if I could just pick all this shit up and go through the stacks of old mail and scraps of papers and notes, just get this shit cleaned up and organized. It doesn't even have to be an all or nothing deal, if I just chip away at it five minutes here and there, progress will be made. But I'm in full wallowing mode now, I'm just stewing in my mess, hating myself, overwhelmed by the distance between this and all cleaned up.
Personal upkeep - I'm wearing clean clothes and showering every day. Brushing my teeth and all that. So I'm keeping up on the minimum, that's at least a plus. It's ridiculous that I would have to mention that, but I've been through episodes of depression where I wasn't even keeping with that much. However, I've just doing the minimum for awhile now and it's starting to chip away at me. Every time I resolve to stay clean-shaven, it starts with hacking off a three-to-six week old beard and shaving with the firm promise to myself that I will shave again in a day or two and I will keep it up. But then, invariably, I let it slip, I don't even get that second shave in before the growth is past what I can do with a razor, and then it's three to six weeks again. It's not just the shaving, that's just an example. I've just worn sort-of clean blue jeans, a t-shirt, and a sort-of clean hooded sweatshirt every day for I don't know how long now. I feel like I need to get cleaned up and put on some nice clothes, just for the hell of it, just to remember what it feels like to be halfway presentable.
Free Time - first of all, I rarely get any, and if you know me, you know I kind of thrive on it. Trouble is, the very small bit of free time I've gotten lately, I've just completely squandered it. There are so many things I wish I had the time to do, when I finally get a small window of a half hour here or an hour there, I can't decide what to do and the time just skitters away from me. I could watch a movie, or I could get some good game time in, or I could work on a song, or I could write a little, but somehow I end up just kind of poking a stick at the internet, or checking the cupboards for a snack, or whatever, and then poof, that time is gone and the opportunity has passed. Days go by and I don't even know what I've done with myself, days will be lost with nothing to show for them.
I mentioned it before, but again, I think the sleep issue is a huge factor. I just can't focus, I can't keep my shit together, and I'm dropping just about every ball there is right now. I laugh at the thought of taking a few days off work because I don't even think that would help anything, I feel like I need to take a six month leave or something. That's delusional, though, for many reasons, not least of which is the fact that it would really only help me for those six months, it wouldn't actually fix anything.
Pout, whine, bitch, and moan. I'd better get ready for the day.
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