I had what they call a "mid-year conversation" with my HR boss today. I'm not even sure "boss" is the right word. "Contact" maybe? Things aren't quite so simple these days, though admittedly, some of the old things that were simple also sucked.
This conversation gave me the same uncomfortable feeling I get whenever I type, or think about typing, on a blog. That feeling of "I am so pathetic, what the fuck am I even doing here, I cannot believe what a huge screw-up I am, it is embarrassing how bad of a person I am".
So why is that? Even though there was no performance review involved in today's conversation, I felt threatened anyway, like I was going to be judged and the verdict would be "you are a waste of life, a totally useless screw-up". And that's exactly how I feel whenever I think about or actually type or speak in any forum of any kind, including this one. Impending judgment of the harshest kind. Better to hide in a corner and not say anything at all, is how I normally live. I am a bold and courageous man, I know.
But then writing on your blog about your reluctance to write on your blog and have that be the subject of your blog.... well... I can't think of anything worse. What a waste of a blog, what a totally useless screw-up of a blog. I'm having flashbacks of In Bruges, though it would be spoilerish if I told you why. Can't ruin that for everybody, now can I? Honourable men and being true to principles and all that. Having a douchey blog isn't a capital offense, though, is it? Aside from bitter self-hatred for my impulsive ranting, what more punishment have I earned? Can any penance make up for this?
I write this on a Friday evening, wrapping up a day that I leave work unhappy with myself, to go stew on it and eat up my innards all weekend. On the plus side, my darling baby girl is getting baptised on Sunday. God bless her soul and pray that she turns out better than her douchey old papa.
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